Preface: I am currently motivated to write but I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sustain it so please be aware that I won’t review this post before I post it. As may become clear from the content of the post itself, simply being able to write about this, or any subject, is a noteworthy accomplishment for me and, as a result, I begrudgingly accept that the result will probably not meet my unreasonably high standards. Oh well.
I’ve been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), depression, OCD (primarily obsessional, in my opinion), and a number of related issues for a number of years.
It sucks.
I struggle on a daily basis to sort through my thoughts and feelings, to identify why I feel the way I do and to move on, as everyone (myself included) has correctly stated I must do in order to get better.
But I can’t. Not out of unwillingness but rather of inability. My mind is locked into this mode and simply trying to rewire myself by sheer will, aided by therapy and medication, is not cutting it.
I have thoughts stuck in my head that play over and over again all the damn time. My most effective solution, and one I go through great efforts to use at every moment of every day, is to blast my brain with as much stimuli as possible in an effort to distract it. And it works pretty damn well most of the time!… but even when I should be fully engrossed by a work of fiction, a constructive activity, or some other thing, my mind often wanders back to the thoughts that persist to haunt me.
In the last years, and especially the last few months, I have come to realize that there are only a few things that improve my mental well-being in a noticeable and sustainable way, and they are, in no particular order:
- Expressing my thoughts, typically in writing, when the subject matter is one that I am deeply invested in and about which I believe I am able to contribute something of value for others,
- Focusing on the meaningful relationships I hope to preserve and improve upon, in the case of people I already know, and the wonderful relationship I hope to have with people I have yet to meet.
- Formulating ideas as to the nature of the projects and businesses I would like to create or collaborate on in the future so I can make a decent living while contributing something of great value to the world (easier said then done!), and;
- Taking small acts of kindness, be they strangers or close friends, when I believe it will brighten their day, even if only a little bit. These small gestures provide me a disproportionate amount of warmth, optimism, and most of all, accomplishment.
- One of these acts, shoveling some of my neighbours’ driveways, whenever I can afford to do so without aggravating my rotator cuff injuries, has also allowed me to improve my relationship with many of my neighbours and, in one case, develop an unexpected but deeply rewarding friendship with one of them! (You’re good people, M, and I’m incredibly thankful to count you among my most valued friends)
However, being aware of the things that make me feel better is only useful to the extent that I am able to do those things; the nature of my illnesses is such that it takes me a considerable amount of effort to start just about anything from any of my extensive to-do lists (chores, home improvement, healthy living, creative projects, hobbies, social activities, etc.). For those of you with knowledge of physics or chemistry, the concept of “activation energy” is an apt descriptor of the kind barrier I’m dealing with; I know that great things will happen once I complete a task but I must first generate a massive amount of “energy” to get started and/or incur deeply unpleasant feelings.
On a good day, I am usually able to eliminate one or two things from my “Short-term” to-do list but I often add more items than I remove… this is a problem in itself that I need to resolve but it’s outside the scope of what I’m trying to communicate today so I’ll let it go for now. Hell, I won’t even add it to one of my to-do lists! [I proudly pat myself on the back]
Where was I? Oh yes. Getting stuff done. Not easy. But I chug along, slowly, and most things get done at some point. But as time goes on, I notice that I am not making enough progress toward getting back to the state of well-being I have long lost and that causes me to lose hope.
But on rare occasions, I get brief moments of extreme clarity (or, at least, that’s how I perceive them at the time) and they provide me a huge burst of optimism, motivation, and creativity. I feel like myself again, if only for an instant, and I remind myself that somewhere deep inside, I still retain the creativity, intellectualism, curiosity, sense of justice, sense of humour, good intentions, and uncanny idealism that used to define me so accurately (in my view anyway, feel free to disagree).
While walking my dog Isaac this morning, a series of thoughts sprung into my conscious mind, I’d go so far as to describe them as a minor revelation, and their exponential growth prompted me to write the current post. Admittedly, none of the fundamental elements of this morning’s “revelation” are new to me, they are at the core of what I have been thinking about for several years; the novel element is the manner in which they organized themselves in my mind, leading me to a striking realization.
Heavily simplified, the train of thought that lead me to this minor “revelation” was as follows:
- I am desperate to find the means to restore, or even surpass, the sense of purpose and meaning that have previously experienced.
- I get value the feeling of accomplishment above just about any other one and this appears to be different from most people’s lived experience.
- My feelings of self-worth and self-respect seem to be almost exclusively borne of how I judge my own thought processes, decisions, and actions; I have little to no interest in gaining the approval of others or avoiding their disapproval except to the extent that they contribute to improving the clarity and/or complexity of my thoughts
- In my thirty-something years of life, I have been exposed to a number of experiences that had profound impacts on me, ranging from the inspiration instilled in me by some outstanding role models to some of the most unsettling realizations I have had in regard to certain individuals from whom I expected the highest standards of honesty, integrity, and moral courage.
- I am cognizant that most people cannot relate to my life lessons in a meaningful way, I am after all quite atypical in many ways, but there’s a chance that my triumphs and struggles could play a profound role in helping those who can relate, even to a small degree, make the best of their lives.
- I think I should write a non-fiction book in which I use my experiences and reflections as a starting point to explore meaningful ideas with the intent of inspiring readers to reflect on their own lives (past, present, and future) and to identify how they can best embody their values and ideals without regard to the factors that would have previously stopped them from being their true self.
- I am not deluded enough to think that this morning’s “minor revelation” is in itself anything new but I think I can provide novelty by talking openly and honestly about certain subjects that I have never seen covered in a manner that is at once accessible to the general public yet still provides sufficient breadth and depth to meaningfully contribute to the public discussion.
- Coming to your favourite bookstore in 2022 (hopefully).
I honestly don’t know if what I wrote makes any sense but I just ran out of steam so I’ll hi the “Publish” button and see what happens.
I apologize in advance if I wasted your time but I guess you can take comfort in knowing that I meant well and, thankfully for you, this is free content. FREE! 😀
I invite you to leave a comment if you feel like it and don’t be afraid to provide constructive criticism because I use this platform as the means to share my thoughts but also to sharpen them… and there’s no better way to do that than by either defending them from outside criticism or adopting elements of the criticism as part of one’s own thoughts.